Star Jones

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Why do women sleep with married men?

I read a great article in "Associated Content" the other day who pointed out that in the movies, the other woman is typically depicted as a young, delusional being who just fell in love with the wrong person. The married man, of course, is the user. He's the great deceiver who disregards his marital vows in the effort to fulfill his deep, sexual lust. Right?

Although these stereotypes are popular, the truth is that the other woman may have a variety of agendas fueling her behavior. Depending on her age, social class and marital status, she might be carousing with another woman's man for several reasons other than love. According to the article, below are the top five.

#1 The sex is hot. Just like a lot of men, many women crave sex. As a result, when some women meet a man that they have an undeniable sexual attraction to, they rush forward and pounce. Although it's not always admitted to, this is one reason why some women just can't let a married man go. They love the sex and, as a result, refuse to end the relationship.

#2 She doesn't think it's hurting anyone. Have you ever heard the saying 'what you don't know won't hurt you?' This is a statement that some females who play the role of the other woman live by. They feel that as long as nobody knows (especially the wife) what they're doing, it's okay. As a result, this woman will never stop seeing the married man until things blow up.

#3 She loves the money. Some women barter sex for money. This exchange is as old as the bible. As a result, if a man has a lot of cash that he's willing to spend on her, the other woman will go for it without any regret. It's not that she want's to hurt anyone or even be the other woman, she just needs help paying her bills.

#4 She believes all men are dogs. You'd think that a woman who thinks so lowly of all men wouldn't wind up in a dirty affair. However, this idea is wrong. Because she thinks all men are dogs, she expects very little from them - including faithfulness. So it seems natural to her that a married man would cheat since that's what all men do anyway. If you ask her about the wife, nine times out of ten she'll tell you about the number of times she's been cheated on by a man. It's her justification for her actions.

#5 She needs to feel powerful. This point is where I believe Monica Lewinsky falls. Sleeping with the President of the United States probably lifted her self-esteem and made her feel powerful. It's a trap women fall into who like to sleep with high-profile men. They get their energy and life from an accomplished man instead of finding other ways to build themselves up. 

Dr. Michelle Golland (licensed Clinical Psychologist) says that some women sleep with married men because some women just do not understand the bond of true sisterhood, and may have trouble with establishing or sustaining authentic female relationships because it is probably hard to find a nice girlfriend who would support their home-wrecking ways.

Dr. Golland says that such a woman may not have ever gotten enough attention from her father, and craves male attention at all costs. The fact that she can get a married man to stray from his wife may also feed her insecure ego, because she inherently feels in competition with other women. Which, in her twisted logic, means that getting him to stray places her as the winner and the wife as the loser. What she has really done, however, is lose big-time -- she has lost her self-respect.

The mistress probably likes the thrill of the hunt and feels her self-esteem boosted at the thought that a man would risk so much to be with her. She may like the drama and illicit experience too. The mistress also feels comfortable being the victim, because ultimately, at least most of the time, she gets lied to and cheated on herself in the end. She winds up crying alone because her romantic life has been a secret, or she simply doesn't have any friends to cry to. It becomes a sad cycle of false hope fueled by desperation and desire, while being led on by a married man who himself obviously has a host of his own issues and demons he hasn't faced.

The high of being with a married man also extends the illusion of the "Romantic Love" experience for such a woman. She is pursued, desired passionately, and the possibility of an amazing future seems almost available. "Almost" is the key word, because the married man is lying to her in order to keep the emotional and sexual attention coming (no pun intended). But 90% of the time, the cheating man knows that even the illusion of "Romantic Love" is just that -- an illusion. It is mostly hot sex and emotional attention with no strings.

Dr. Golland goes on to say, the woman willing to be a mistress was most probably hurt by a man and has real trust issues. By being the one who is cheated with, she has a false belief that she is in control of things, and that at least she isn't the one being "cheated" on.  This woman will choose to believe that he doesn't "love" his wife and he really wants to be with her, so this false situation seems safer to her than being in an authentic, honest relationship with a man who is actually available. 

Dr. Golland agrees with a lot of experts who say the "mistress" mistakes him wanting her body sexually for love.   But she breaks it down by saying "It is not and will not ever be the same. He may love how you make him feel, and love that you allow him to not focus on the reality of his life, but remember you are not actually in his reality -- you are a part of an illusion." This illusion of his will most likely fade due to age or interest, and he will either move onto another newer and hotter illusion, or he may man up and deal with the problems in his "real" relationship with his wife.

I rarely find an expert who I totally agree with...but Dr. Golland's analysis was so on point...I had to pass it on in its entirety!

"Infidelity does not consist in believing or in disbelieving; 
it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.”

From me to you...Sister to Sister... a guy can't cheat without a co-conspirator.  We as women have to make up our minds that the "sisterhood of women" is a compelling reason to say no when presented with the opportunity to cheat another woman out of the promise of a faithful marriage. Sisters being true to one another, is part of the religion of sisterhood. 

Bottom line is this:  If a man will cheat with you...he will cheat on you.  Get your own man who will love you, honor you and cherish you in the light and the dark.  


  1. I too agree with Dr. Golland and thank you Star for putting it out there. The 'mistress' may feel superior to the wife because, "he has a wife and he's here with me", also. In a sea of envy, snipes and competetive heckles, the sisterhood got lost. If nothing else, DO UNTO OTHERS..." We really need to pass this on, in hopes that someone will see themselves now or perhaps a plan that they have for themself down the road. Disable the unfaithful, take away his vice. Many have stood at the altar, shoulder to shoulder with a promise to support this union. OH YEAH, that's what that was.

    Star, I wonder what it would cost to put this piece on the back of a plan and fly 'round the entire U.S.? Drop panthlets and have a 1-800 number to report your neighborhood home wrecker. Boy, did I digress.

    I'm thinking you may have to say it again.

  2. As I said on Twitter, my Granny taught us early that how you get a man is how you lose a man. If you got him by cheating you will lose him by his cheating. Another good thing to my sisterhood of women, why would Mr, Right and Wonderful want you if you are creeping around with Mr. Cheater.

    We, as women, need to hold ourselves and our fellow ladies to a higher standard. Mentor and love one another. Don't compete or backstab. I am not saying the married man is innocent at all. He took the vows and that is between his wife, his God and himself but if we raise each other up and not put one another down we can all be better people.

  3. Everything is tied to how much one values onesself and for the most part, 'sisters' who value themselves, value other women and are unwilling to engage with men who are married to other women~

  4. Starr, powerful article and very timely. I've read through it once and will come back to give it another reading. There's much here to explain about why women have affairs with married men, but much rich material about how we tick inside and how to work on making ourselves beautiful inside & outside.

  5. That was an interesting read. I truly understand what is being said. I know some mothers have no problems with their daughters being the other woman and encourage it. There is a whole lot of repairing in the sisterhood circle.

    good post!!

  6. (This was GOOD.)

    Sadly, A LOT of people don't mind being the co-conspirator...


Your comments are welcome as long as they are in keeping with the spirit of this blog. They must be positive about your life, your community, our nation or our world. They must elevate...not denigrate...and if you criticize me or my position...state your name and email address so I know who you are and can address you directly. My rules. Star