Star Jones

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Friendship Friday: The Dartboard Theory

Years ago when i was having difficulty evaluating true relationships, my friend and pastor Dr. A.R Bernard (Christian Cultural Center) and I had a conversation and he shared a concept that I found to be both brilliant and illuminating.

Over the years, I've refined it just a bit...and given it the "star treatment" and I now call it "The Dartboard Theory."

Try to think of yourself as a dart board.  You're the center of that board---and thus, the tiniest circle. It's the center that everyone tries to reach when you are playing darts. When you hit it…you get the greatest number of points. 

Notice that the center circle doesn't hold much space. If too many people converge on that tiny circle, it becomes other words, you lose yourself.  Notice, that the concentric circles all get larger as they get away from the center. The farther away from the center, the more room in the circle. 

Ask are the "circles" of my life arranged...and is everyone in the correct circle?

Here are my thoughts.

The circle closest to you is for the people I call your "INTIMATES"...the people you love and who love you... Unconditionally.  The people who if you lost everything you had in a hurricane, would drive to the border of your state, wait sixteen hours until you got there and then take you to their home for a long as you needed to stay.  These are the people who you would trust to raise your children if something happened to you.  Ask those questions and I'll bet the circle is smaller than you thought.


The next circle is a little bigger, that's for your "CONFIDANTS"...the people you trust with your secrets and you can turn to in the time of trouble. If your guy is "acting up," these are the people you call to vent to about how you are "done with his butt"...and when you forgive him 2 days later...these are the people who pretend you never told them anything and go bowling with ya'll on Friday like nothing every happened...because they have your back.

The next circle is for your "FRIENDS AND FAMILY." They belong to you and you belong to them...for better or for worse.  You actually adore them, you never forget their birthday and for the ones who aren't your actual family; you refer to them as your "sister,", "cousin", or "auntie"...when they really aren't...but they really are. But sometimes...arms length is called for; if you know what I mean...'cause "Uncle Leroy" is a trip.


The next circle is bigger because this one contains all your "ASSOCIATES." You admire these people and feel fondness for them in your business or personal life...they stay late at work to help you with your projects, you both test new ideas on each other, you're glad to see them when you're out at events and you always promise to hang out "socially", but rarely do.  And neither one of you "trips" because you both know exactly who you are to each other.


Finally, the circle that is farthest away from you, but in truth, is the largest group of people in our lives...these are our "ACQUAINTANCES." Some you wish you knew better; some you vaguely distrust but need; some you just think are interesting.  You only have to ask yourself one question to see who belongs in this circle:  whom do you often like, sometimes need, but really wouldn't miss for a minute if you never saw them again as long as you live?


Don't get me wrong, all my relationships add to my life. They are at times amusing, interesting, helpful and very much a part of the joy of my life------but I now know, everyone is not FIRST- CIRCLE- IMPORTANT.  In my life, they’re finally in their correct circle. 

When you start making yourself important, you’ve got to be clear about priorities. I think too often we put people in a circle that they don't belong in. 

It is our job to arrange our circles so that the most real relationships remain special.  Because on the real...everyone needs to earn their position on your dart board of your life.


  1. Soror Star again you've gone and done it. A message that needed to be read and that has hit close to my heart. I too recently (and still am) did this and I feel that my life has changed for the better. Thanks again for a great message!

  2. This was really good. People show us the place where they belong in our lives, we just have to put them there.

  3. I now realize that I have people in the wrong circles...what turmoil I am causing myself. When I put the people in the correct circles I can see the voids that I need/try to fill. It makes some of the circles seem so empty.

    I too have made positive changes in my life many times and always felt "punished" by others for them. Disfunction around gets thrown a curve when a person gets healthy. I've lost a few "freinds". Thanx for this fresh outlook on how to be in charge of my relationships. My lines were very blurry. :)

  4. I'm so glad I found your blog. What a blessing your words are in my life today.


  5. Your blog has been a treat to read. I love it! It's filled w/ so much wisdom & positivity. Ever just been going through something that had you at a loss on understanding and then ran across a much needed message or word to give you a better or fresh perspective? Today, that's this blog post. So thank you. =o) I follow you on twitter, which is how I found your blog. But I appreciate you sharing - even the smallest of quotes. There's always something to take in, soak up & let marinate.

    Be Blessed!

  6. Ditto to what TJ said...
    I have a similar friendship theory and the main thing I'm learning lately is how to put people where they belong. Having relationships out of place brings on more chaos and pain than necessary.

  7. Oh so true! I was just saying that myself on twitter but i put it in terms of setting the tone for your friendships/relationships. We don't do it enough and that puts us in a position where people can hurt, use, and abuse your trust and use your kindness as weakness. I speak from experience good and bad and getting closer to clearly defining what i want out of these friendships and relationships.


Your comments are welcome as long as they are in keeping with the spirit of this blog. They must be positive about your life, your community, our nation or our world. They must elevate...not denigrate...and if you criticize me or my position...state your name and email address so I know who you are and can address you directly. My rules. Star